POSTED ON 19th November 2018 BY NAda el-hammoud
Ah, emails. Hopefully by now you’ve gotten rid of that cringey email address you made when you were 11 to get one up on all those losers at primary school - all those Xs and underscores and name of your favourite football team followed by 4eva seemed appropriate at the time, right? But now you’ve hit the ‘adulting’ age and since it’s time to channel all that maturity, getting to grips with the passive aggressiveness of professional emails is a must. Under all those seemingly polite phrases lies a much deeper meaning, and whoever sent you that email was probably banging their keyboard in frustration - this handy (and slightly exaggerated) translator will help you decode what they really meant… and maybe send a few subliminal messages of your own.
As per my last email
I. Literally. Already. Told. You. This. Can you not read???
Thanks in advance
Yes, I just asked you to do something. No, you did not agree to do it yet. Yes, I am asking you anyway. No, I do not care if it’s your best friend’s birthday and you don’t have the time, because I have already thanked you in advance and according to the laws of courtesy this means you must carry out my bidding.
Just wanted to follow up
Why the &@%$ did you not respond to my last message Karen I’m sick and tired of you.
We spoke about this already, so either I happened to be speaking in Swahili or you just totally ignored EVERYTHING I said smh.
I didn’t know I was promoted to the role of babysitter, but since you didn’t listen when I told you the last time, LEMME JUST TELL YOU AGAIN.
Let me see what I can do
The only thing I ‘see’ right now is my overflowing schedule and a whole season of Game of Thrones that I need to catch up on, so I shall continue to overdose on caffeine and crappy own-brand rich teas whilst I do absolutely nothing to help you with your problem.
Get back to me. Now.
*sighs with disappointment* Alright lads. I’m willing to put this great mess behind us provided that you never act like complete idiots ever again.
Not sure if you got my last email
You most certainly got my last email, but since you couldn’t find 2 seconds in the day to be a decent human being and reply me, allow me to clog up your inbox with the exact same message. Have a nice day.
Lets circle back on this
I literally cannot deal with this right now so let me get back to you never.
Allow me to clarify
My six year old nephew would have understood what I said, but clearly the two brain cells left in your head lacked the capacity to decode simple English. Being the good samaritan I am, I shall copy and paste the exact same message for you and hopefully you’ll get it this time.
According to my records
Ahem, you might wanna check yourself before saying more stupid things that I will call you out on, because I have treasure troves of evidence and I am not afraid to use it *sips tea*.
I have CC’d *PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY insert mildly threatening name, e.g. Paul*
I hereby appoint Paul as my witness to your bs so stop irritating me before Paul says something you won’t like.
Reattached for your convenience
Lol this has absolutely nothing to do with convenience, do you understand how difficult it was locating this exact file in a sea of data and attaching it YET AGAIN because I don’t trust you to have read it the first time???
Apologies for the delayed response
Honestly, I have a long list of priorities in my life and this was definitely not one of them.
Written by Nada El-Hammoud
Instagram - @nadahmdd